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Thread: Laughs

  1. #281
    Administrator Country: Wales Steve Crook's Avatar
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    name='Starry-Eyed']Husband: I've just heard that the milkman has slept with every woman in this street - except one!



    Wife: I bet it's that snooty bitch from number 17.



    YDSL x.






    Steve

  2. #282
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    When are knickers festive ?.... When they're Carols



    cheers Ollie.

  3. #283
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    There are three kinds of economists � those who can count and those who can't.



    And for the techies among you...



    There are only 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary and those who don't!



    ... and staying with the one-liners, a delightful quote which I am still not sure I fully understand...



    Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines!







    Cypher

  4. #284
    Administrator Country: Wales Steve Crook's Avatar
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    name='Cypher']Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines!
    * The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese!



    * Employ teenagers - they seem to know everything



    And while you're doing technical comments:

    * Entropy isn't what it used to be



    Steve

  5. #285
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    Oh, well; if it's only the sex jokes that win the plaudits, here's one for you...



    Sex After Death



    A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.



    After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact,



    "Connie....Connie.!"



    "Is that you, Joe?"



    "Yes, I've come back as we agreed."



    "What's it like?"



    "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."



    "Oh, Joe you surely must be in heaven."



    Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona.

  6. #286
    Super Moderator Country: UK batman's Avatar
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    Gordon Brown was being shown round a mental hospital. He was taken into a workshop. At one of the benches was a man using a lathe. 'What are you doing?' asked the Prime Minister. 'Me and my mate are helping to make number plates' came the reply. 'Where's your mate?' asked Gordon. 'Up there' said the man, pointing to the ceiling. Mr Brown looked up and saw a man hanging from the ceiling by his legs. 'What's he doing up there?' asked Gordon. 'Oh, he's just a bit nuts, he thinks he's a light bulb' said the man. 'Why don't you help him get down?' said Gordon. 'What!' said the man, 'and work in the bloody dark'.



    Bats.

  7. #287
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    name='batman']Gordon Brown was being shown round a mental hospital. He was taken into a workshop. At one of the benches was a man using a lathe. 'What are you doing?' asked the Prime Minister. 'Me and my mate are helping to make number plates' came the reply. 'Where's your mate?' asked Gordon. 'Up there' said the man, pointing to the ceiling. Mr Brown looked up and saw a man hanging from the ceiling by his legs. 'What's he doing up there?' asked Gordon. 'Oh, he's just a bit nuts, he thinks he's a light bulb' said the man. 'Why don't you help him get down?' said Gordon. 'What!' said the man, 'and work in the bloody dark'.



    Bats.






    YDSL x.

  8. #288
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    name='Starry-Eyed']How many elephants can you get in a Mini?

    Four - two in the back and two in the front.

    How many giraffes can you get in a Mini?

    None - because it's full of elephants; two in the back and two in the front.



    How does an elephant get up a tree?

    He sits on a seed and waits.



    How does an elephant get down from a tree?

    He sits on a leaf and waits until autumn.



    YDSL x.


    Going on the crappy jokes:



    How do you two Whales in a mini?



    Down the M4!

  9. #289
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    Whats a shih tzu? A zoo with no animals.

  10. #290
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    The Lone Ranger and his horse,Silver,was captured by an enemy group of Indians. (Tonto was on holiday visiting his mother,BTW).

    The chief of the tribe said to the masked man. "It is the blessing of the buffalo,as we rejoice in our hunt,which gives us food. So in three days,I will kill you. However,I will grant you three wishes before your death. What will they be?

    The Lone Ranger thinks about this and says:"Can I have a word with Silver,my horse?"

    The chief looked bemused at this request,but nonetheless grants it. So the Lone Ranger goes over to Silver and whispered in its ear. Silver gallops away and a few hours later brings back a beautiful blonde woman.

    The chief gives a wry grin and allows the Lone Ranger to go into a teepee with this blonde woman.

    The next day,the chief asks what his second request will be and again the Lone Ranger asks if he could have another word with Silver. On being granted,he goes over to Silver and whispers in itsear. Silver gallops away and a few hours later brings back a beautiful brunette. The chief smiled and shook his head as the masked man took the brunette into the teepee.

    The following day,the chief grants the Lone Ranger his final request.

    "May I have one last word with my horse,but this time in private."

    The chief nodded and the Lone Ranger took Silver into his teepee. He grabbed hold of the horse's ear and looked him square in the eyes. "Now listen to me,dickhead and get it right.......BRING ME POSSE!

    Ta Ta

    Marky B

  11. #291
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    name='lordtednfs']Going on the crappy jokes:



    How do you two Whales in a mini?



    Down the M4!


    Who called my jokes 'crappy'?



    YDSL x.

  12. #292

  13. #293
    Senior Member Country: England smiffy's Avatar
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    name='Marky B']The Lone Ranger and his horse,Silver,was captured by an enemy group of Indians. (Tonto was on holiday visiting his mother,BTW).

    The chief of the tribe said to the masked man. "It is the blessing of the buffalo,as we rejoice in our hunt,which gives us food. So in three days,I will kill you. However,I will grant you three wishes before your death. What will they be?

    The Lone Ranger thinks about this and says:"Can I have a word with Silver,my horse?"

    The chief looked bemused at this request,but nonetheless grants it. So the Lone Ranger goes over to Silver and whispered in its ear. Silver gallops away and a few hours later brings back a beautiful blonde woman.

    The chief gives a wry grin and allows the Lone Ranger to go into a teepee with this blonde woman.

    The next day,the chief asks what his second request will be and again the Lone Ranger asks if he could have another word with Silver. On being granted,he goes over to Silver and whispers in itsear. Silver gallops away and a few hours later brings back a beautiful brunette. The chief smiled and shook his head as the masked man took the brunette into the teepee.

    The following day,the chief grants the Lone Ranger his final request.

    "May I have one last word with my horse,but this time in private."

    The chief nodded and the Lone Ranger took Silver into his teepee. He grabbed hold of the horse's ear and looked him square in the eyes. "Now listen to me,dickhead and get it right.......BRING ME POSSE!

    Ta Ta

    Marky B

  14. #294
    Senior Member Country: England smiffy's Avatar
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    Wife to Husband " what's in your parcel dear ? "

    Husband to Wife " It's the Olympic condoms I ordered ,I think I'll wear gold tonight "

    Wife to Husband " Why don't you wear silver and come second for a change ? "

  15. #295
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    name='Marky B']The Lone Ranger and his horse,Silver,was captured by an enemy group of Indians. (Tonto was on holiday visiting his mother,BTW).

    The chief of the tribe said to the masked man. "It is the blessing of the buffalo,as we rejoice in our hunt,which gives us food. So in three days,I will kill you. However,I will grant you three wishes before your death. What will they be?

    The Lone Ranger thinks about this and says:"Can I have a word with Silver,my horse?"

    The chief looked bemused at this request,but nonetheless grants it. So the Lone Ranger goes over to Silver and whispered in its ear. Silver gallops away and a few hours later brings back a beautiful blonde woman.

    The chief gives a wry grin and allows the Lone Ranger to go into a teepee with this blonde woman.

    The next day,the chief asks what his second request will be and again the Lone Ranger asks if he could have another word with Silver. On being granted,he goes over to Silver and whispers in itsear. Silver gallops away and a few hours later brings back a beautiful brunette. The chief smiled and shook his head as the masked man took the brunette into the teepee.

    The following day,the chief grants the Lone Ranger his final request.

    "May I have one last word with my horse,but this time in private."

    The chief nodded and the Lone Ranger took Silver into his teepee. He grabbed hold of the horse's ear and looked him square in the eyes. "Now listen to me,dickhead and get it right.......BRING ME POSSE!

    Ta Ta

    Marky B


    There's nothing like a good Lone Ranger joke. Here's a couple of my faves:



    LONE RANGER: "Tonto, this looks bad. We're surrounded by bloodthirsty Indians who want to scalp us."

    TONTO: "What do you mean "we", paleface ?"



    ------

    The Lone Ranger and Tonto come into a town on a very cold night. The only saloon has a sign up that says: "No Indians Allowed". The Lone Ranger tells Tonto to wait outside while he gets a drink and suggests he run up and down to keep warm if gets too cold. He's goes into the saloon and orders a drink. He's just finishing it when a man comes into the bar and asks him: "Excuse me, mister, but are you the Lone Ranger?"

    "Yes,"he replies. "Why?"

    "I think you left your injun running . . ."

  16. #296
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    The lone ranger gets bitten by a snake on the genitals. He's lying on the ground writhing in agony and says to Tonto "ride into town to the doc and see what he says to do!" Right away Tonto does as he's told. The doctor says to him "You gotta suck out the poison as quick as you can!" With those instructions in his head he races back to the Lone Ranger who by now is even worse "Well", he said "What did the doctor say?" Tonto rushed up to him and said "The doc says you're gonna die!"

  17. #297
    Super Moderator Country: UK batman's Avatar
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    The Lone Ranger sees Tonto riding past carrying a dustbin on his back. 'Where are going with all that rubbish Tonto?' asks The Lone Ranger. Tonto replies .... 'To the dump to the dump to the dump dump dump!'.



    Bats.

  18. #298
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    Whats the difference between a duck ? .........



    One of it's legs is both the same





    cheers Ollie.

  19. #299
    Super Moderator Country: UK batman's Avatar
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    Still can't get it right!



    Bats.

  20. #300
    Super Moderator Country: UK batman's Avatar
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    One last go ... it is a bit rude.



      Spoiler:




    Bats.



    edit - success!

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