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Thread: Laughs

  1. #21
    Senior Member Country: UK
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    A guy walks in to a bar with his giraffe,(as you do)

    they drink 15 pints of wife beater(stella), and the giraffe falls on the floor,

    the barman say's,

    "Hey you cant leave that lyin there!" and the guys says

    " it's not a lion,it's a giraffe"



    cheers Ollie.

  2. #22
    Senior Member Country: UK Freddy's Avatar
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    One of Tommy Coopers



    Man goes into the doctors

    "Doctor, I think I'm a moth"



    Doctor

    "That's interesting, but really you would be better going to the psychologist up the road"



    Man

    "I was on my way there, but I saw your light on"





    Freddy

  3. #23
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    A guy get drunk in a bar. At closing time he get up off the stool & promptly falls smack on his face. So he drags himself up, staggers to the door, and falls flat on his face. He crawls out the door, picks himself up again, makes it to the curb, and then falls flat on his face again. He pulls himself up again, staggers across the street, and then falls flat on his face again. He stumbles up the block, makes it to his front door, and falls flat on his face again. He pushes open the front door, somehow makes it upstairs, then passes out in bed.



    The next morning his wife is mad at him for coming home drunk again. "How did you find out?" he asks. "Easy," she answers. "You forgot your wheelchair again."

  4. #24
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    Bad joke that only makes sense if you studied Latin:



    A guy in a toga goes into a bar & asks for a martinus.



    The bartender thinks about this for a minute and then says that the guy must be mistaken, that what he really wants is a martini.



    "No thanks," says the Roman. "Just the one will do."

  5. #25
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    daisymum:

    Bad joke that only makes sense if you studied Latin:



    A guy in a toga goes into a bar & asks for a martinus.



    The bartender thinks about this for a minute and then says that the guy must be mistaken, that what he really wants is a martini.



    "No thanks," says the Roman. "Just the one will do."
    The way I heard it:



    A Latin professor walks into a bar -



    Professor: "Bartender, give me a martinus, please."



    Bartender: You mean a martini, Mac?"



    Professor: "If I wanted two, my good man, I'd have asked for them."

  6. #26
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    A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The monkey jumps down, walks to the end of the bar, picks up a martini olive, looks at it, eats it. Walks to the other end of the bar, picks up a maraschino cherry, looks at it, eats it. Monkey hops up on the pool table, picks up the que ball, looks at it, eats it.



    The bartender says, "Hey, your monkey just ate my que ball!"



    The guy says, "Oh yeah, he's always eating stuff. Here's some money, go buy yourself a new one."



    A week later, same bar, same guy, same monkey. Guy sits at the bar, orders a beer. The monkey jumps off his shoulder, walks to the end of the bar, picks up a martini olive, looks at it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, eats it.



    The bartender thinks "Hey, that's pretty crude!"



    Monkey goes to the other end of the bar, picks up a maraschino cherry, looks at it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, eats it.



    The bartender says, "Yo, Pal, what's with the monkey?"



    The guy says, "Oh, yeah, he had so much trouble passing that que ball, now he sizes everything before he eats it."

  7. #27
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    An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.



    The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.



    The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"



    The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"



    The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."



    The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.



    The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.



    An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.



    "You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road, and now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

  8. #28
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    Heaven is where the police are British,

    the chefs are French,

    the mechanics German,

    the lovers Italian,

    and it's all organised by the Swiss.



    Hell is where the cooks are British,

    the mechanics French,

    the lovers Swiss,

    the police German,

    and it's put together by the Italians.

  9. #29
    Senior Member Country: England sanndevil's Avatar
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    A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department

    told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.



    Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some tosser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added,"and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."



    The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Essex, sir," the boy replied.



    "Well,why did you leave Essex," the manager asked. The boy said,"Sir,there's nothing but whores and football players there." "Really?" said the manager, "My wife's from Essex."



    The boy replied,"No shit!? Who does she play for?"

  10. #30
    Administrator Country: Wales Steve Crook's Avatar
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    sanndevil:

    A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department

    told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.



    Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some tosser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added,"and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."



    The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Essex, sir," the boy replied.



    "Well,why did you leave Essex," the manager asked. The boy said,"Sir,there's nothing but whores and football players there." "Really?" said the manager, "My wife's from Essex."



    The boy replied,"No shit!? Who does she play for?"
    Very good, I like that one clap



    Steve

  11. #31
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    An Irishman on holiday in Texas enters an Amateur Rodeo competition and wins first prize for riding a wild steer. The American judges are amazes that a nonprofessional could stay on the beast for over 20 minutes when none of the other contestants managed 20 seconds. The main judge confronts the Irishman asking him how is it possable for a layman to ride a bucking bull for so long without any previous experience. The Irishman explains that it was easy as his wife was epileptic.

  12. #32
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    This fellah goes to the optician and the optician says to him: "You'll have to stop playing with yourself." "Why?...will I go blind?", the fellah asks. "No", says the optician, "but you're upsetting everyone in the waiting room."

  13. #33
    Senior Member Country: UK Freddy's Avatar
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    As a 'scouser' this is a rare one which made me chuckle;



    Two Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool

    on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Scousers ask him for a lift.

    He tells them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he is late for his delivery so he tells the Scousers he has to leave.



    The Scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.



    By this time, he is really late and so puts his foot down.



    Sure enough, PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for

    speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies with sarcasm "Scouse eggs".



    The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.



    He rushes back to his cruiser and gets onto his radio and calls for

    immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

    The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that he requires so many officers.



    "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the ******* have managed to nick a motorbike already"



    Freddy

    If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

  14. #34
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    What's a Scouser?

  15. #35
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    Brian Brandt:

    What's a Scouser?
    Someone from the uncivilised side of the river Mersey. wink

  16. #36
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    This joke always makes my female friends laugh:



    A bride and groom disappear into the vestry before their wedding. A little later they emerge both grinning broadly.



    "Why are you looking so happy?" the best man asks the groom. "Because I've just had the best blow job of my life", he replies,



    "What are you smiling for?" the bride's maid asks the bride. "Because I've just given my very last blow job", she says.



    Always cracks women up!

  17. #37
    Senior Member Country: Australia
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    Paddy was a good jockey but he'd suffered from piles for most of his riding career.

    The only thing that gave him relief was to stick a handful of wet tealeaves up his bottom every morning.

    Then one day the pain got worse and he decided to see the doctor.

    "Alright Paddy,take down your shorts and bend over"said the doctor.

    Paddy did as he was told.

    "How do things look Doc?" Paddy asked.

    "Actually it looks pretty good" the doctor replied "You're going on a long trip, you'll meet a beautiful blonde lady & you're going to have three kids."

  18. #38
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    This fellah living on his own in a big, isolated house in the country is woken up in the early hours by someone knocking loudly on his door. He reluctantly gets out of bed and goes downstairs in his dressing gown as the knocking gets louder and more frantic. "All right, all right, I'm comin'" he shouts, as he opens the door. There's a bloke stood there who says "I'm sorry to trouble you, but could you give me a push to get me started?" "What, at this hour? It's three o'clock in the bloody mornin'!" he tells him. "I know", says the bloke, "but yours was the only house around here and I couldn't ask anyone else. "Oh, alright", says the fellah, stepping outside grumpily. "I'll give you a push. It's dark out here. Where are you?" And the bloke answers "I'm here on the swing."

  19. #39
    Senior Member Country: UK Freddy's Avatar
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    Brian Brandt:

    What's a Scouser?
    A Scouser is someone from Liverpool Brian, though you meet them everywhere.



    A Scouser is someone who helps Tranmere beat Southampton, Everton et al scarf



    Freddy

  20. #40
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    This is a true story,as it happened one night in a club quiz.

    A mate of mine,Ian,said to me:"Mark,you are very intelligent bloke,what does the D stand for in D-Day?"

    "Well," I said "There a few theories,one of which was June 3rd was A-Day,June 4th was B-Day,June 5th was C-Day and June 6th was D-Day - so when the decision was made of what day the invasion will take place,they would say D-Day rather say the actual date.

    "Another suggestion was Deliverance Day,as the Allies were goiong to liberate Europe."

    Another mate,Norman,said the "D" meant nothing. Someone else came in with another theory.

    Ian shook his head. "You're all wrong. It means Doris" lol

    Ta Ta

    Marky B thumbs_u

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