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Thread: Laughs

  1. #421
    Super Moderator Country: UK batman's Avatar
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    The link has a date on it of Jan 1st 2007. It's page 6 of the the thread when I click on it.



    Bats.

  2. #422
    Super Moderator Country: UK batman's Avatar
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    I should have said Jan 1st 2005. For some reason i can't edit at the moment.



    Bats.

  3. #423
    Administrator Country: Wales Steve Crook's Avatar
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    I don't know what you chaps are seeing, but here's what I see







    and that says 21-11-2007.



    Steve

  4. #424
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    Unfortunately, I'm not clever enough get all the graphics up like you, Steve, but this is what I'm getting with that shortcut:



    07-01-2005, 02:24 AM #76

    Marky B

    Senior Member



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    I'm a big fan of Stevie Wonder (although I can't stand I just called to say I love you) and what follows is a joke said by the man himself:"I was once given a book to read,it was the worst book I've ever read. However,it turned out to be cheese grater" That was from the great man himself.

    Ta Ta

    Marky B thumbs_u

    __________________

    I once shot an elephant in my pyjamas - how he got in my pyjamas,I'll never know



    And this is the date and time of the first post of the thread:

    18-11-2004, 04:51 AM



    YDSL x.

  5. #425
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    First, I just want to thank Steve C for the flowers, champagne, Dairy Box and the gold and diamond bracelet.







    YDSL x.

  6. #426
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    In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was



    questioning Seamus.







    'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'



    asked the solicitor.







    Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just



    loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'







    'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just



    Answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,



    'I'm fine!'?'







    Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving

    down the road....'







    The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to

    establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police

    on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after



    the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.



    Please tell him to simply answer the question.'







    By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and



    said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his



    favourite cow, Bessie'.







    Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just

    loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the

    road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my

    trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown

    into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.



    However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she

    was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the

    accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning

    and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her

    condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.







    Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and

    said, 'How are you feeling?'







    'Now what the F*ck would you say?'


  7. #427
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    Subject: Giving up Wine











    I was walking down the street when

    I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who

    asked me for a couple of pounds for some food.









    I got out my purse and took a ten pound note out and asked, 'If I give you this

    money, will you buy wine with it instead of food?'







    'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.







    'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.







    'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to

    spend all my time trying to stay alive.'







    'Will you spend this in a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.







    'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman. ' I



    haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'







    'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money.



    Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my



    husband and me tonight.'







    The homeless woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband



    be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,



    and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'







    I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like

    after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

  8. #428
    Administrator Country: Wales Steve Crook's Avatar
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    name='Dame Starry']Unfortunately, I'm not clever enough get all the graphics up like you, Steve, but this is what I'm getting with that shortcut:



    07-01-2005, 02:24 AM #76

    Marky B

    Senior Member



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    I'm a big fan of Stevie Wonder (although I can't stand I just called to say I love you) and what follows is a joke said by the man himself:"I was once given a book to read,it was the worst book I've ever read. However,it turned out to be cheese grater" That was from the great man himself.

    Ta Ta

    Marky B thumbs_u

    __________________

    I once shot an elephant in my pyjamas - how he got in my pyjamas,I'll never know



    And this is the date and time of the first post of the thread:

    18-11-2004, 04:51 AM



    YDSL x.


    Yes, it seems I was wrong in identifying the start of the thread. it's older than I though.



    But I still don't see how you ended up on Marky B's joke about Stevie Wonder.



    Ah, it seems that you can set the number of messages you have displayed in a page. I have it set to quite a lot. If you don't have it set to very many then that affects the page number in the thread and the item that it finds in that page.



    Ah well, no matter



    Steve

  9. #429
    Administrator Country: Wales Steve Crook's Avatar
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    name='Dame Starry']First, I just want to thank Steve C for the flowers, champagne, Dairy Box and the gold and diamond bracelet.







    YDSL x.


    And thanks for the loan of your stockings so that I could go and get them - just like in the cartoon



    Steve

  10. #430
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    name='Steve Crook']Yes, it seems I was wrong in identifying the start of the thread. it's older than I though.



    But I still don't see how you ended up on Marky B's joke about Stevie Wonder.



    Ah, it seems that you can set the number of messages you have displayed in a page. I have it set to quite a lot. If you don't have it set to very many then that affects the page number in the thread and the item that it finds in that page.



    Ah well, no matter



    Steve


    Shall we call it a draw then?



    YDSL x.

  11. #431
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    name='Steve Crook']And thanks for the loan of your stockings so that I could go and get them - just like in the cartoon



    Steve


    No problem - I'm still not sure why you needed my suspender belt as well though.......



    YDSL x.

  12. #432
    Administrator Country: Wales Steve Crook's Avatar
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    name='Dame Starry']No problem - I'm still not sure why you needed my suspender belt as well though.......



    YDSL x.


    Because it was a "Hold up"



    Steve

  13. #433
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    name='Steve Crook']Because it was a "Hold up"



    Steve






    I walked straight into that one, didn't I? Head first!

    I could never beat the man with the smarter-than-average-arse, so I don't know why I keep trying!



    Anyway, Steve, please don't forget to wash them before you bring them back this time, will you?



    YDSL x.

  14. #434
    Administrator Country: Wales Steve Crook's Avatar
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    name='Dame Starry']



    I walked straight into that one, didn't I? Head first!


    It was a lovely gift, giving me that opening. Thank you



    Steve

  15. #435
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    name='Steve Crook']It was a lovely gift, giving me that opening. Thank you



    Steve


    Bit rude Steve.



    What type of opening did Dame Starry give you?



    You must have thought it was your birthday.



    Dave.

  16. #436
    Super Moderator Country: UK batman's Avatar
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    A little bit of Christmas Carol mental health humour for you .... courtesy of the Dame!



    1. Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?



    2. Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disoriented Are



    3. Amnesia - I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas



    4. Narcissistic - Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me



    5. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ...



    6. Paranoid - Santa Claus is Coming to.... Get Me



    7. Borderline Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire



    8. Full Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why



    9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...



    10. Agoraphobia - I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House



    11. Senile Dementia - Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe



    12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder - I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House



    13. Social Anxiety Disorder - Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate



    Bats.

  17. #437
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    name='David Brent']Bit rude Steve.



    What type of opening did Dame Starry give you?



    You must have thought it was your birthday.



    Dave.


    David, you will NEVER know; a real Dame doesn't kiss 'n' tell!



    YDSL x.

  18. #438
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    name='batman']A little bit of Christmas Carol mental health humour for you .... courtesy of the Dame!



    1. Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?



    2. Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disoriented Are



    3. Amnesia - I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas



    4. Narcissistic - Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me



    5. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ...



    6. Paranoid - Santa Claus is Coming to.... Get Me



    7. Borderline Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire



    8. Full Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why



    9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...



    10. Agoraphobia - I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House



    11. Senile Dementia - Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe



    12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder - I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House



    13. Social Anxiety Disorder - Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate



    Bats.


    Very good

  19. #439
    Administrator Country: Wales Steve Crook's Avatar
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    name='David Brent']Bit rude Steve.



    What type of opening did Dame Starry give you?



    You must have thought it was your birthday.



    Dave.


    Who was it who sent a first night telegram to a female performer saying "I hope you get a big hand on your opening"?



    Steve

  20. #440
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    name='Steve Crook']Who was it who sent a first night telegram to a female performer saying "I hope you get a big hand on your opening"?



    Steve


    I wouldn't know - but there is a very old joke:



    "And now, Professor Ernest Jones will give his speech on masturbation; let's all give him a big hand!"



    YDSL x.

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