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Thread: Laughs

  1. #561
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    "Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore".

    "Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

    The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife.

    "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

    The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

  2. #562
    Administrator Country: Wales Steve Crook's Avatar
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    A man and his wife were awakened at 3am by a loud pounding on the door.



    The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.



    'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3 o'clock in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed.



    'Who was that?' asked his wife.



    'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.



    'Did you help him?' she asks.



    'No, I did not, it is 3 in the morning and it is pouring with rain out there!'



    'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two men helped us?

    I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'



    The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

    He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'



    'Yes,' comes back the answer.



    'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.



    'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.



    'Where are you?' asks the husband.



    'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.





    Steve

  3. #563
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    What do you call a fish with no eye?

    A fsh



    How do you stop a fish from smelling?

    Cut it's nose off



    What is the fastest fish in the sea?

    Go-carp.



    What did the mummy sardine say to her children when they saw a submarine?

    Don't worry, it's only a tin of people.



    If fish lived on land, which country would they live in?

    Finland.



    What did one rock pool say to the other rock pool?

    Show me your mussels.



    How do you kiss a pike?

    Very carefully



    What sits at the bottom of the sea and shivers?

    A nervous wreck.



    What has big sharp teeth, a tail, scales, and a trunk?

    A pike going on holiday.



    Fly-fisherman's wife: "Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend"

  4. #564
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    Two fish in a tank, one says to the other "How do you drive this thing?"

  5. #565
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    name='Steve Crook']

    'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.



    'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.



    'Where are you?' asks the husband.



    'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.





    Steve






    DS x.

  6. #566
    Senior Member Country: UK Chevyman's Avatar
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    Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Ohio State University, has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.





    At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

  7. #567
    Senior Member Country: England
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  8. #568
    Super Moderator Country: UK batman's Avatar
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  9. #569
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    name='batman']


    That should be 'penises'.



    Now, write it out correctly 100 times, please!



    DS x.

  10. #570
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    Three blokes are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over.

    The other two are really worried. "What are we going to do with our beers? We're in trouble!"



    "No," the driver says, "it's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick them on your foreheads", and the bloke pulls over.



    The police officer then walks up and says, "You lads were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?"



    "Oh, no, officer," says the driver, pointing to his forehead, "We're trying to give up, so we're on the patch."

  11. #571
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    Man walks into a pub carrying a set of jump leads, Barman shouts to him

    `Oi don`t start anything`

  12. #572
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    name='Freddy']18 months ago, I upgraded to GirlFriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2,

    which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are

    apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution

    was to try and run GirlFriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

    To make matters worse, GirlFriend 1.0 is incompatible with several

    other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy

    6.9.



    Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware

    program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my

    system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.



    Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the

    same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each

    other, they caused severe damage to my hardware.



    I eventually upgraded to Fianc�e 1.0, only to discover that this

    product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0

    tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with

    FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2003.



    Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be

    very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically

    stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then

    resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.



    Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and

    can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter

    products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the

    problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating

    regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle

    Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also

    spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. These

    conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that

    they are an illegal operation.



    Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often

    crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called

    MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.



    Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be

    problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0

    detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before

    uninstalling itself.



    Any Ideas?

    >



    LOL

    Freddy


    genius

  13. #573
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    two Irish guys start work on a building site..rigging scaffolding.Tragically one of them falls to his death and his mate is called to the inquest.

    " now Mr Murphy" says the coroner "would you confirm that your colleague was killed by the fall"

    " no sir, he died of venereal disease"

    "what makes you say that" asks the Coroner

    " well as he was falling he shouted LOOK OUT PADDY i'M A GONER HERE"

  14. #574
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    The Pope has just finished a tour of Napa Valley and is taking a limousine to San Francisco. Having never driven a limo, the Pope asks the chauffeur if he might drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur doesn't have much choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.



    The Pope proceeds down Silverado, and starts accelerating to see what the limo can do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the red and blue lights of a CHP cruiser in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window.



    The trooper, seeing who it is, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."



    The trooper calls in and asks for the Chief. He tells the Chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how to handle it.



    "It's not Ted Kennedy again, is it?" asks the Chief.



    "No Sir!" replies the trooper, "This guy's more important."



    "Is it the governor?"



    "No! Even more important!"



    "Is it the PRESIDENT?"



    "No! Even more important!"



    "Well, WHO THE HECK is it?" screams the Chief.



    "I don't know, Sir," replies the trooper, "But he's got the Pope as his chauffeur!

  15. #575
    Administrator Country: Wales Steve Crook's Avatar
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    Steve

  16. #576
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    A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.



    Finally he went to the check-out line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."



    "That's a shame," replied the young man "is there anything I can do for you?"



    "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!'? It would make me feel so much better."



    "Sure," answered the young man. So, when the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"



    As he stepped up to the check-out counter, he saw that his total was �127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"



    The clerk replied, "Your mother said that you would pay for her."

  17. #577
    Administrator Country: Wales Steve Crook's Avatar
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    name='Dame Starry']A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.



    Finally he went to the check-out line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."



    "That's a shame," replied the young man "is there anything I can do for you?"



    "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!'? It would make me feel so much better."



    "Sure," answered the young man. So, when the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"



    As he stepped up to the check-out counter, he saw that his total was �127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"



    The clerk replied, "Your mother said that you would pay for her."


    I'll have to tell my Mum that one



    Steve

  18. #578
    Senior Member Country: England smiffy's Avatar
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    name='Brigger']Man walks into a pub carrying a set of jump leads, Barman shouts to him

    `Oi don`t start anything`
    very good

  19. #579
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    An ageing man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.



    The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"



    At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.



    Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.



    His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

  20. #580
    Administrator Country: Wales Steve Crook's Avatar
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    name='Dame Starry']An ageing man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.



    The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"



    At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.



    Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.



    His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."


    Didn't Norman Stanley Fletcher do that trick in an episode of Porridge?



    Steve

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