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Thread: Laughs

  1. #1041
    Senior Member Country: UK Chevyman's Avatar
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    Dear Mike,



    I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my

    husband in the house watching the TV. I hadn't driven more than a mile

    down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a

    halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I

    couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's

    daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 19.

    We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down

    and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six

    months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was made redundant

    six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed

    and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the

    ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling

    and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?



    Sincerely, Sheila







    Dear Sheila:



    A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a

    variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no

    debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and

    hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none

    of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump

    itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. I hope

    this helps,



    Mike

  2. #1042
    Senior Member Country: Australia ShirlGirl's Avatar
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    In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.





    Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo they gained 10 pounds.





    And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.


    And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.





    So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.





    God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.


    And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.





    Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.


    Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.



    God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.


    And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.





    Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.


    And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.





    God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.





    And then ............ Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.





    THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION


    After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:




    • Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than we do.
    • Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than we do.
    • Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than we do.
    • Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than we do.
    • Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than we do.
    • The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than we do.


    CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English apparently is what kills you.

  3. #1043
    Administrator Country: Wales Steve Crook's Avatar
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    Especially that last bit



    Steve

  4. #1044
    Senior Member Country: UK
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  5. #1045
    Senior Member Country: UK Mr Sloane's Avatar
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    Plans to create a new series CSI Norwich have had to be scrapped when it was discovered there were no dental records and everyone shared the same DNA.

  6. #1046
    Super Moderator Country: UK batman's Avatar
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    name='Mr Sloane']Plans to create a new series CSI Norwich have had to be scrapped when it was discovered there were no dental records and everyone shared the same DNA.


    Wrong city .... it was CSI Wisbech.




  7. #1047
    Senior Member Country: England harryfielder's Avatar
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    <DIV style="MARGIN-LEFT: 3.75pt"><DIV><DIV style="MARGIN-BOTTOM: 5pt"><DIV>

    Three little ducks go into a Bar......



    <DIV style="MARGIN-LEFT: 3.75pt"><DIV><DIV style="MARGIN-BOTTOM: 5pt"><DIV>

    Three little ducks go into a Bar......



    Good joke never worked.....Aitch,

  8. #1048
    Senior Member Country: United States torinfan's Avatar
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    A previously poor person who is now a famous comedian: My family was so poor, we weren't food insecure, we were toilet paper insecure. We had plenty of food that wound up in the dumpster behind McDonald's when we lived in the dry creek nearby. But forget about toilet paper - McDonald's never bothered restocking in their bathrooms. Ever try to use a Saguaro cactus to wipe your behind on?

  9. #1049
    Senior Member Country: Australia ShirlGirl's Avatar
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    NOAH IN THE 21st CENTURY





    In the year 2009, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the Land of Eng and said:



    “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.” “Build another ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.”



    He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: “You have 6 months to build the ark before I send rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”



    Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no ark.



    “Noah!,” He roared, “I'm about to start the rain! Where is the ark?”



    “Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. I needed a Building Permit. I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood bylaws by building the ark in my back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision.



    “Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.



    “Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!



    “When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.



    “Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an Environmental Impact Study on your proposed flood.



    “I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.



    “Immigration are checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work.



    “The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience.



    “To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.



    “So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark. “



    Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.



    Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you're not going to destroy the world?”



    “No,” said the Lord. “Gordon Brown and his Government have beaten me to it.”

  10. #1050
    Senior Member Country: UK
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    Q. Which celebrity, dead or alive, would you most like to meet?



    A. Jonathan Ross. Dead.

  11. #1051
    Senior Member Country: UK
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    A wife buys a load of anti-ageing cosmetic products and spends all afternoon applying the various potions and lotions to all parts of her body.



    She then goes into the living room and asks her husband how old does he think she looks.



    �Well�, says the husband, �from the skin I�d say 18, from the hair I�d say 20 � and from the figure I�d say 23�



    �Ooh, flatterer!� says the wife.



    �Hold on�, says the husband, �I haven�t added them all up yet�.�

  12. #1052
    Senior Member Country: UK
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    A young policeman in the Met decides he wants to join the SO19,the armed responce group. When he meets the recruiting officer,the man was very forthright in what he expects from his officers.

    "You need to know your targets and you need to have the right attitude."

    "Of course,sir."

    "Okay - I will tell you go out and shoot a Muslim fanatic,a drug dealer,a paedophile and a rabbit."

    "Why the rabbit?"

    "There - I like your attitude!

    Ta Ta

    Marky B

  13. #1053
    Senior Member Country: England harryfielder's Avatar
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    Mrs Aitch found a kitten and called it ''Lucky''....I wonder why ??....



    http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v4...r/image001.jpg



    Aitch,

  14. #1054
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    A man named Ralph appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.



    'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St.Peter asked.



    'Well, I can think of one thing,' Ralph replied. 'On a trip

    to the Brecon Beacons in Wales, I came upon a gang of bikers,

    who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her

    alone, but they wouldn't listen.



    So, I approached the largest and

    most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his

    bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground,

    yelling 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'



    St. Peter was very impressed, 'When did this happen?' he asked



    Ralph replied 'Just a couple minutes ago'.

  15. #1055
    Senior Member Country: UK
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    A letter came through my door today with "DO NOT BEND" stamped on it.



    How am I supposed to pick it up?

  16. #1056
    Senior Member Country: UK Windyridge's Avatar
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    Apparently Swine Flu is a combination of Cad Flu and Rotter Flu. When you sneeze it's an absolute shower

  17. #1057
    Senior Member Country: Australia
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    A union leader is in the process of telling a group of factory workers the results of their latest negotiations with management.



    "I'm happy to say that we have just gained a 60% wage rise, every worker is now entitled to a company home and a car and we only have to work on a Wednesday"



    "What?" one of the workers shouted "Every bloody Wednesday?"



    Dave.

  18. #1058
    Senior Member Country: UK
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    name='David Brent']A union leader is in the process of telling a group of factory workers the results of their latest negotiations with management.



    "I'm happy to say that we have just gained a 60% wage rise, every worker is now entitled to a company home and a car and we only have to work on a Wednesday"



    "What?" one of the workers shouted "Every bloody Wednesday?"



    Dave.


    Those were the days .. . (sigh)

  19. #1059
    Senior Member Country: Australia ShirlGirl's Avatar
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    name='sippog']Those were the days .. . (sigh)
    When?

  20. #1060
    Super Moderator Country: UK batman's Avatar
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