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Thread: Laughs

  1. #1221
    Senior Member Country: Spain Rowdon's Avatar
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    name='Dame Starry']This brought back some memories for me when I found it earlier:



    YouTube- Morecambe and Wise - Boom Oo Yata-Ta-Ta


    Excellent clip, which over 40 years later begat this ... I'm not comparing anybody, but I think this is a nice homage.



    [ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpQmpdaoE1s"]YouTube- Robbie @ Ant & Dec, White Christmas[/ame]

  2. #1222
    Senior Member Country: UK lionheart's Avatar
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    Arthur an 85 year old man goes to his doctor for his annual checkup.



    being hard of hearing ,he takes along his ageing wife , in case he misses something that the doctor may say .



    Doctor : Well Arthir , what i will require from you is , a Urine sample , a Stool sample and a sample of semen.



    Arthur sits and stares at the doctor , then turns to his wife and asks " What did the doctor just say ? ? "



    Arthurs Wife replies " The Doctor says that he wants your underpants !

  3. #1223
    Senior Member Country: England harryfielder's Avatar
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    "A Prayer For Dad"



    This is just too beautiful not to share.





    "Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer,


    Amen."

  4. #1224
    Senior Member Country: Australia ShirlGirl's Avatar
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    Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,



    "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."



    "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."





    ....................................





    An old man was on his deathbed trying to hang on to life. All of a

    sudden he could smell chocolate-chip cookies baking in the kitchen.



    "I've got to have one of those cookies if it's the last thing I do," he

    said.



    He gathered has fast-waning strength, rolled out of the bed and landed

    supine onto the floor. He dragged himself painfully along the rug out

    to the hall and into the kitchen. Finally he reached the table and

    raised his withered hand up to the plate of cookies.



    WHACK! His wife hits his hand with the spatula.



    "What the hell was that for?", he asked.



    She responded, "Those cookies are for the funeral."

  5. #1225
    Super Moderator Country: UK batman's Avatar
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  6. #1226
    Senior Member Country: England darrenburnfan's Avatar
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    May Un Mar Lady (Stoke-on-Trent dialect for Me and My Lady) daily cartoon strip about an old age pensioner couple in today's issue of The Sentinel newspaper:



    WIFE: "How long has it taken you to do that there jigsaw puzzle?"

    HUSBAND: "Five weeks."

    WIFE: "That's a long time, isn't it?"

    HUSBAND: "You're joking! It says on the lid "For seven to ten years"!

  7. #1227
    Super Moderator Country: UK batman's Avatar
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    Mrs Bat's Xmas Cake Recipe



    Ingredients:



    * 2 cups flour

    * 1 stick butter

    * 1 cup of water

    * 1 tsp baking soda

    * 1 cup of sugar

    * 1 tsp salt

    * 1 cup of brown sugar

    * Lemon juice

    * 4 large eggs

    * Nuts

    * 2 bottle wine

    * 2 cups of dried fruit



    Sample the wine to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the wine

    again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and

    drink. Repeat.

    Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy

    bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

    At this point it's best to make sure the wine is still OK. Try another

    cup... Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy.

    Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

    Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner.. If the fried

    druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

    Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt.

    Or something. Check the wine. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your

    nuts.

    Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you can

    find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall

    over.

    Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the

    window. Finish the wine and wipe counter with the cat.

    Go to Tesco and buy cake.



    Bingle Jells!

  8. #1228
    Senior Member Country: England John Llewellyn Moxey's Avatar
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    name='batman']Mrs Bat's Xmas Cake Recipe



    Ingredients:



    * 2 cups flour

    * 1 stick butter

    * 1 cup of water

    * 1 tsp baking soda

    * 1 cup of sugar

    * 1 tsp salt

    * 1 cup of brown sugar

    * Lemon juice

    * 4 large eggs

    * Nuts

    * 2 bottle wine

    * 2 cups of dried fruit



    Sample the wine to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the wine

    again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and

    drink. Repeat.

    Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy

    bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

    At this point it's best to make sure the wine is still OK. Try another

    cup... Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy.

    Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

    Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner.. If the fried

    druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

    Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt.

    Or something. Check the wine. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your

    nuts.

    Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you can

    find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall

    over.

    Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the

    window. Finish the wine and wipe counter with the cat.

    Go to Tesco and buy cake.



    Bingle Jells!


    Now that sounds like the right way to do it!!



    John

  9. #1229
    Senior Member Country: UK
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    There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.



    One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.










    The letter read:



    Dear God,



    I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.



    Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had �100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.



    Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.. Can you please help me?



    Sincerely, Edna



    The postal worker was touched.. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds.



    By the time he made the rounds, he had collected �96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.





    The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.



    Christmas came and went.



    A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.



    All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.



    It read:



    Dear God,



    How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?



    Because of your gift of love, I was able to make a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.



    By the way, there was �4 missing.



    I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.



    Sincerely, Edna






  10. #1230
    Senior Member Country: UK
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  11. #1231
    Super Moderator Country: UK batman's Avatar
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    This made me chuckle (and wince) ...



    link: http://uk.news.yahoo.com/21/20100107...e-6323e80.html

  12. #1232
    Senior Member Country: Great Britain
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    I heard a good 'un on The Weakest Link ...



    A man said to a farmer "Six of your Chickens have stopped laying eggs", the farmer asked "how do you know?" and the man replied "I've just run over them".

  13. #1233
    Senior Member Country: Europe Bernardo's Avatar
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    FLOOR COLLAPSES AT WEIGHT WATCHERS MEETING

    Honestly, see for your selves..

    Floor collapses at Swedish Weight Watchers clinic - The Local

  14. #1234
    Senior Member Country: Europe Bernardo's Avatar
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    Hearing impaired Halleluyah Chorus



    [ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCFCeJTEzNU"]YouTube- Silent Monks Singing Halleluia[/ame]

  15. #1235
    Administrator Country: Wales Steve Crook's Avatar
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    name='Bernardo']Hearing impaired Halleluyah Chorus



    YouTube- Silent Monks Singing Halleluia
    "Hearing impaired"? They're a group of regular, but quite creative, high school students cleverly portraying a silent order of monks



    Steve

  16. #1236
    Senior Member Country: UK
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    And in the news...



    A Virgin Trains driver who sat on some red hot welding equipment during repairs at Euston station was said to be making good progress.



    He was right on time as he steamed through Birmingham.

  17. #1237
    Administrator Country: Wales Steve Crook's Avatar
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    Buddhist humour



    I went up to the hot dog seller and asked him to make me one with everything



    I gave him a �20 note and waited, but he didn't give me any money back. He told me change had to come from within



    Steve

  18. #1238
    Senior Member Country: UK
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    Two men bump into each other in an airport.



    First man: "I can't find my wife."

    Second man: "I can't find mine either, what does yours look like?"

    First man: "She is 5 foot 10, blonde, big boobs, mini skirt, stockings and high heels. What does yours look like?�

    Second man: �Never mind her � let�s look for yours!�

  19. #1239
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    Two drums and a cymbal fall of a cliff



    B-DUM-Tsh!

  20. #1240
    Member Country: Djibouti
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    name='Bernardo']FLOOR COLLAPSES AT WEIGHT WATCHERS MEETING

    Honestly, see for your selves..

    Floor collapses at Swedish Weight Watchers clinic - The Local


    "...the cause of which is still under investigation."

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