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Thread: Laughs

  1. #1241
    Senior Member Country: England earlb's Avatar
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    I've just found out I can still have sex at 73!



    I am so happy because I live at 56,

    so it's not far to walk home . . .

  2. #1242
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    name='earlb']I've just found out I can still have sex at 73!



    I am so happy because I live at 56,

    so it's not far to walk home . . .


    lol

  3. #1243
    Super Moderator Country: UK batman's Avatar
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    name='earlb']I've just found out I can still have sex at 73!



    I am so happy because I live at 56,

    so it's not far to walk home . . .



  4. #1244
    Senior Member Country: Australia ShirlGirl's Avatar
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    We live at no. 58 !

    Now I can tell my husband where to go, ha-ha!

  5. #1245
    Senior Member Country: England earlb's Avatar
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    An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

    He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

    After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,

    'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

    The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

    In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

    'Before you tell that joke, I think it is only fair,

    given that you are blind, that you should know five things:



    1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.



    2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.



    3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.



    4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.



    5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.



    Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'



    The blind Mod thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,



    'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

  6. #1246
    Senior Member Country: Spain Rowdon's Avatar
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    Just heard these on the radio:



    Geordie woman goes into a hairdresser: "I'd like a perm. please"

    Hairdresser says "I wandered lonely as a cloud ..."



    or



    A woman agrees to marry a man, adding "but as I'm Jewish, you'll have to convert".

    The bloke goes to a Jewish friend and says "I'm not bothered about the religious side ... but that circumcision thing - does it really hurt?"

    "Well," says his mate, "I can't remember, as I was only 8 weeks old at the time, but from what I understand, I couldn't walk for a year afterwards!"

  7. #1247
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    sin(x), cos(x) and exp(x) walk into a pub. The barman says 'Sorry, we don't cater for functions'.

  8. #1248
    Senior Member Country: England harryfielder's Avatar
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    A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have

    been a good cat all these years... Anything you want is yours for the

    asking.'



    The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm

    and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep

    on.'



    God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.



    A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to

    Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He

    made to the cat.



    The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs,

    and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller

    skates, we would not have to run again.'

    God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller

    skates...



    About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound

    asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is

    everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'



    The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my

    life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have

    been sending over are delicious!'

  9. #1249
    Senior Member Country: England earlb's Avatar
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    3 Irish Men in a bar. Paddy says "My locals much better than this, You buy 2 drinks and get a 3rd free",

    Mick says, "well in my local you buy 1 and get the 2nd free",

    Murphy pipes up and says, "Well thats nothing.In my local you buy the first drink then get the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th and 7th free. Then you get taken out the back and shagged senseless."

    "WOW" say the other 2, "Has that actually happen to you?"

    "No," but it happened to my wife!"

  10. #1250
    Senior Member Country: England earlb's Avatar
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  11. #1251
    Senior Member Country: UK wellendcanons's Avatar
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    I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said:



    Remove cap and push up bottom.



    I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.





    .................................................. .................................................. ...........



    Here's my concern.....



    Three years ago, Chinese calender year of the cow... Mad Cow Disease.

    Two years ago, Chinese calender year of the bird... Bird Flu.

    Last year, Chinese calender year of the pig... Swine Flu.

    This year is the Chinese calender year of the cock...





    .................................................. .................................................. ............



    A 95 year old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample for analysis at hospital. He turns up two days later with an empty jar. The nurse asks; "Why haven't you brought a sample like I asked you to?" The old man replies: "I'm sorry, but I tried with my right hand. Then my left. Then my wife tried with both hands, then with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with them out. Then we got Ethel from next door to try, but it was no good. We just couldn't get the lid off the jar!"





    .................................................. .................................................. ............



    A woman is given a hospital tour. She looks into a room to find a man playing with himself. She is deeply shocked. "Ugh! That's disgusting," she says to the doctor. He explains that the man has an incurable condition. His testicles fill so fast he has to do it five times a day or he'll be in terrible pain! "Poor man," says the woman....

    In the next room a nurse is giving a patient a blow-job. "Explain that then," says the woman. The doctor replies: "Same condition, but he's with BUPA."





    .................................................. .................................................. ...............



    I felt rather sorry for the stage hypnotist I saw last night.... He had just put seven rugby players in a trance when he dropped the microphone on his foot and yelled: "F**k me!"

    What happened next will haunt me forever....





    .................................................. .................................................. ................



    wellendcanons.

  12. #1252
    Senior Member Country: United States torinfan's Avatar
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    @ Cat & meals on wheels joke!

  13. #1253
    Senior Member Country: Australia Corinne's Avatar
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    name='wellendcanons']I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said:



    Remove cap and push up bottom.



    I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.




    .................................................. .................................................. ...........






  14. #1254
    Senior Member Country: UK wellendcanons's Avatar
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    Regards Corinne. You won't mind if I don't sit down!



    wellendcanons.

  15. #1255
    Super Moderator Country: UK batman's Avatar
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  16. #1256
    Senior Member Country: Australia Corinne's Avatar
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    This is my favourite thread of all.

  17. #1257
    Senior Member Country: UK
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    God was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him,



    "God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."



    "Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God.



    "Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."



    "Well, that's very interesting...show Me."



    So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.



    "No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."







    Quasimodo returns home after a hard days bell ringing at the Notre Dame. Mrs Quasimodo is in the kitchen holding a wok. "Oh, great are we having stir fry for supper?" he asks. "No, I'm just ironing your shirts".







    Went to my girlfriends funeral yesterday. It was the 1st time I had met her parents. What a pair of miserable sods they turned out to be !





    I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!

  18. #1258
    Senior Member Country: United States torinfan's Avatar
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    Brought to you by The Onion



    [ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=he6O9nZ3CZs&feature=player_embedded"]YouTube- Boys Tragic Death Could Have Happened To Any Family With 20-Foot Pet Python[/ame]

  19. #1259
    Senior Member Country: UK wellendcanons's Avatar
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    At last! I've found a cure for my kleptomania habbit. Now, whenever it comes on bad I take something for it.





    .................................................. ....................................



    A young lad pulls an older woman at a club. She's 58 but looks very good for her age. On the way back to her house, out of the blue she asks if he'd like a "Sportsman's Double?" "What's that?" asks the young lad. "It's a mother and daughter threesome!", she replies. He suddenly looks all excited. "WOW! YES PLEASE." So they go in her front door, she puts the hall light on and shouts; "Mum! Are you still awake?"





    .................................................. ....................................



    Ethel and Olive are neighbours. One day they are talking over their back garden fence. Olive says, "You know Ethel, I'll never understand how you always know the right weather conditions for putting your washing out." "Oh that's simple," Ethel says. " I always know what the weather's going to do when I wake up every morning by the position of Alf's todger." " How does that help?" Olive asks, more confused than ever. Ethel replies, " Well if it's pointing to the left I know it's going to rain so I won't bother putting the washing out. if it's pointing to the right, that means the sun is going to shine and so I know it's safe to hang out the washing." "Well what if it's pointing straight ahead?" Olive asks. Ethel clears her throat and replies, "Oh well.... I'll stay in bed!"



    .................................................. .....................................



    wellendcanons.

  20. #1260
    Senior Member Country: England earlb's Avatar
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    Margaret Thatcher is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.



    Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the

    car comes to a stop.



    Margaret, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving. '



    The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.



    'You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says Margaret.



    Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair

    ruffled with a big grin on his face.



    'My god, what happened to you?' asks Thatcher.



    The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened his best

    bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter

    made love to me. '



    'What on earth did you say?' she asks.

    ' I knocked on the door, and

    when it was answered, I said to them: ' I'm Margaret Thatcher's chauffeur

    and I've just killed the cow.

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