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  1. #1
    Senior Member Country: UK
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    The Steven Seagal School of Acting sent me the following list on what to expect when making a movie:







    1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.



    2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.



    3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.



    4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.



    5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.



    6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. (Take note Mr Reid).



    7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.



    8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.



    9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.



    10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.



    11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them. The Mother will not be upset by this.



    12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.



    13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.



    14. Medieval peasants have perfect teeth.



    15. All single women have a cat.



    16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.



    17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.



    18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.



    19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.



    20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.



    21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.



    22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.



    23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.



    24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.



    25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.



    26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.



    27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.



    28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.



    29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.



    30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.



    31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps

  2. #2
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    (alan gowdy @ Feb 17 2006, 11:28 AM) Quoted post</div><div class='quotemain'>

    The Steven Seagal School of Acting sent me the following list on what to expect when making a movie:







    1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.



    2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.



    3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.



    4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.



    5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.



    6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. (Take note Mr Reid).



    7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.



    8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.



    9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.



    10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.



    11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them. The Mother will not be upset by this.



    12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.



    13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.



    14. Medieval peasants have perfect teeth.



    15. All single women have a cat.



    16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.



    17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.



    18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.



    19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.



    20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.



    21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.



    22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.



    23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.



    24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.



    25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.



    26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.



    27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.



    28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.



    29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.



    30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.



    31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps

    [/b]
    Don't forget about never bothering to lock your car

    Megawatt lighting from one candle

  3. #3
    Senior Member Country: UK
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    Not forgetting the never ending ammo clip which also loads itself as if by magic, and the 20 shot 6 shot revolver [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img]



    cheers Ollie.

  4. #4
    Super Moderator Country: Scotland
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    The chairs and bannisters in saloons in the wild west that hold out until a fight breaks out.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Country: Australia ShirlGirl's Avatar
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    [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/clapping.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/clapping.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/clapping.gif[/img]



    Alan that is brilliant, and so true! I can't stop laughing.



    [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/rotfl.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/rotfl.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/rotfl.gif[/img]

  6. #6
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    Agreed!

  7. #7
    Senior Member Country: United States rjd0309's Avatar
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    Great stuff - "investigating creepy music coming from a graveyard" had me rolling on the floor!



    My favorite -



    Security camera videos will always be recorded using trillion-megapixel cameras, allowing the dweeb techie friend to infinitely magnify the picture to read a car license plate 1000 yards away.

  8. #8
    Super Moderator Country: England
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    One nicked from Terry Pratchett's Soul Music....after the inevitable explosion of the crashed vehicle, one smoking wheel always rolls across the screen before spinning to the ground..



    If there are beautiful identical twins, one will be evil...



    If you are a soldier, fighter pilot or bomber crew, leave that lucky mascot behind and you are truly doomed.



    If you are the star of the picture taking a shower, the glass will steam up strategically. If you are an extra, or 'next victim' as they are better known, you will be on full display.



    If you are in a silent film, everyone is selectively deaf; you will not hear the train coming from off-screen unless there is a cut away first; and you can sneak up on people by aircraft if you have to...

  9. #9
    Administrator Country: Wales Steve Crook's Avatar
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    (penfold @ Feb 17 2006, 09:16 PM) Quoted post</div><div class='quotemain'>

    One nicked from Terry Pratchett's Soul Music....after the inevitable explosion of the crashed vehicle, one smoking wheel always rolls across the screen before spinning to the ground..



    If there are beautiful identical twins, one will be evil...



    If you are a soldier, fighter pilot or bomber crew, leave that lucky mascot behind and you are truly doomed.

    [/b]
    Similarly if you ever show your buddies a picture of your wife or girlfriend who is waiting for you...

    Definitely doomed.



    </div><div class='quotemain'>

    If you are the star of the picture taking a shower, the glass will steam up strategically. If you are an extra, or 'next victim' as they are better known, you will be on full display.



    If you are in a silent film, everyone is selectively deaf; you will not hear the train coming from off-screen unless there is a cut away first; and you can sneak up on people by aircraft if you have to...

    [/b]
    Yes, helicopters never make any noise until they rise above the skyline of the hill or the edge of the building.



    Steve

  10. #10
    Senior Member Country: UK
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    A few more:-



    1/ The triggering of one single, solitary, sprinkler head results in a deluge.

    2/ All ventilation fans are set in walls, of the propellor type with blades about 12' in diameter; and rotate at the speed of 5rpm (or less). The only way to stop them is to shove a conveneniently found length of timber between blades and frame. These fans never have local electrical isolation.

    3/ All ventilation ductwork is; as previously stated; of convenient size, always nice and clean and has no turning vanes or attenuators. The air velocity within said ducts is akin to sparrows' breath.

    4/ All boilerhouses are deserted and are steam (not hot water) all pipework in these boilerhouses leaks steam which looks like it has been generated by a kettle.

    Our sweaty hero, with torn vest, gaily walks through this steam; which if from a real boilerplant, would cut a man in two.

    5/ All lifts have a convenient 'roof' trap door.

    6/ All lift shafts/risers/service ducts are generously lit.

    7/ When an alarm/security system is being bypassed, our hero identifies circuits by colour of wire and not circuit designation. It's always the red wire.

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