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  1. #1
    Senior Member Country: UK homeguard's Avatar
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    My newspaper is full of misery, so it was a momentary joy to receive this e-mail. Even the missus had to laugh. So have a respite from your newspaper and also a very Merry Christmas!!





    MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE!





    NICKNAMES



    If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah .

    If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Tosser, Godzilla and Four-eyes.



    EATING OUT





    When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in �20, even though it's only for �32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

    When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.



    MONEY





    A man will pay �2 for a �1 item he needs.

    A woman will pay �1 for a �2 item that she doesn't need but it's in a sale.



    BATHROOMS





    A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

    The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.



    ARGUMENTS





    A woman has the last word in any argument.

    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



    FUTURE





    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife..



    SUCCESS





    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



    MARRIAGE





    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.



    DRESSING UP





    A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the rubbish, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

    A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.



    NATURAL





    Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed.

    Women somehow deteriorate during the night.



    OFFSPRING





    Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

    A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.



    THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

    A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!



    Regards,

    HG

  2. #2
    Senior Member Country: UK
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    name='homeguard']My newspaper is full of misery, so it was a momentary joy to receive this e-mail. Even the missus had to laugh. So have a respite from your newspaper and also a very Merry Christmas!!





    MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE!





    NICKNAMES



    If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah .

    If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Tosser, Godzilla and Four-eyes.



    EATING OUT





    When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in �20, even though it's only for �32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

    When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.



    MONEY





    A man will pay �2 for a �1 item he needs.

    A woman will pay �1 for a �2 item that she doesn't need but it's in a sale.



    BATHROOMS





    A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

    The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.



    ARGUMENTS





    A woman has the last word in any argument.

    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



    FUTURE





    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife..



    SUCCESS





    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



    MARRIAGE





    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.



    DRESSING UP





    A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the rubbish, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

    A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.



    NATURAL





    Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed.

    Women somehow deteriorate during the night.



    OFFSPRING





    Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

    A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.



    THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

    A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!



    Regards,

    HG


    Very good,HG.

    Ta Ta

    Marky B

  3. #3
    Senior Member Country: United States torinfan's Avatar
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    Very funny! Thank you for sharing!




  4. #4
    Senior Member Country: England mallee59's Avatar
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    A Christmas Story - possibly with some truth!





    It is a tradition in a certain area, you do have to be ready early for Christmas, every year.



    From a Toy Factory way up North,



    When four of Santa's elves became sick, and the new trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more, and when he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. So just more and more stress at this very busy time.



    Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.





    Just then the doorbell rang, and the irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?



    And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.



    I heard this a while ago but it arrived via email recently

    Mallee


  5. #5
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    It was busy at the Sorting Office just a couple of weeks before Christmas and one of the assistants was sorting out all the letters to Santa that were received. One took his attention as it was in an adult's handwriting. He showed it to his supervisor who noticed it was unsealed and so he opened it and read it. It read...



    "Dear Santa - I know I am too old to believe in you but I am desperate. My husband left me early in the year and I have been struggling to raise my three children single handedly. Due to illness I have had to give up work and despite trying, I have barely enugh to feed the kids let alone give them a nice Christmas. If you can find it in your heart to send me �50 before Christmas, it will make such a difference. I truly thank you from the bottom of my heart."




    The supervisor was quite choked and showed the letter to some of the workforce. They had a whip round and got �40 and they put it in an envelope with a card marked 'from Santa Claus' and sent it to the name and address given on the letter.



    A few days later, a second letter was received addressed to Santa Claus in the same handwriting. The supervisor was curious and opened it. It read...



    "Dear Santa, Thank you thank you thank you for making my Christmas dream come true. I can now afford to give the children a nice little Christmas with presents and nice food and I am so happy.

    PS - I had asked for �50 but notice there was only �40 in the envelope, but don't worry - it was probably those thieving gits at the Sorting Office!"

  6. #6
    Senior Member Country: UK EHV_Emmetts's Avatar
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    name='homeguard']



    NICKNAMES



    If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah .

    If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Tosser, Godzilla and Four-eyes.


    We men do have an annoying propensity to call other men by nicknames. I was saying exactly this to Buzzer, Malfonse and Smiffo only this morning.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Country: UK homeguard's Avatar
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    name='EHV_Emmetts']We men do have an annoying propensity to call other men by nicknames. I was saying exactly this to Buzzer, Malfonse and Smiffo only this morning.


    Where do you get Malfonse from? My daughter thought that was great , but then we live in an age of Peaches and Trixibelle. Can you imagine their get-togethers at 65. Having said that, this morning I found out that Tinkerbell was doing the time check on 4!

  8. #8
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    I have a Grandson called Malachi another called Noah and yet another called Nathaniel. I wonder what nickname they will be given?

  9. #9
    Administrator Country: Wales Steve Crook's Avatar
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    name='Flossie 1']I have a Grandson called Malachi another called Noah and yet another called Nathaniel. I wonder what nickname they will be given?
    Quite possibly ones that are nothing to do with their names



    Steve

  10. #10
    Senior Member Country: England Captain Casper's Avatar
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    name='Flossie 1']I have a Grandson called Malachi another called Noah and yet another called Nathaniel. I wonder what nickname they will be given?




    None. They've suffered enough.



    At a school I do work for, theres some cracking names that would never be put in a novel due to being unrealistic. Theres a Sukhdeep, a Shakira, a Chardonnay and an Axel.

    I particularly like Sukhdeep and think his future as a porn-star is assured.



    Thank God my own children, Candelabra and Smirnoff will grow up without cruel whispers.

  11. #11
    Senior Member Country: Wales
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    Malachi is a gorgeous name!



    I gave my son a traditional name and he has suffered more, to be honest, there were several in his year and one of a similiar surname and they were forever getting mixed up..so, I gave my daughter an unusual name (for this country) and people adore it - there are only two in this country, I believe and we have all kinds of benefits from people remembering it.



    As long as you are careful what you choose and it has some merit - why not choose an unusual name?

  12. #12
    Senior Member Country: UK Chevyman's Avatar
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    chavnamer :: Other :: getlippy.com



    I become "Bailey Paul"

  13. #13
    Senior Member Country: Wales
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    I'd hardly call 'Nathaniel' 'Noah' and 'Malachi' 'chav' (if you must call them that) names - they are biblical.

  14. #14
    Senior Member Country: Wales
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    And Shakira means 'Grateful' in Arabic!

  15. #15
    Senior Member Country: England Captain Casper's Avatar
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    name='MB']And Shakira means 'Grateful' in Arabic!


    In Brazilian it means, "she with the hips of snake and arse of tennis ball".



    Or something.

  16. #16
    Senior Member Country: UK EHV_Emmetts's Avatar
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    name='homeguard']Where do you get Malfonse from?


    I don't know. His real name is Malcolm, but everyone (male) calls him 'Malfonse' - pronounced Mal-fon-se. It sounds Latin, but he's not.

  17. #17
    Senior Member Country: UK
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    name='Flossie 1']I have a Grandson called Malachi another called Noah and yet another called Nathaniel. I wonder what nickname they will be given?


    He is not a Dingle is he - from Emmerdale. All the spear side have names from the Bible:Zachariah,Shadrach,Eli,Samuel,Samson and er Marlon.

    Ta Ta

    Marky B

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